So today’s devotional was in Deuteronomy 31:6. Oddly enough my devotional which is usually packed with verses, only highlighted this one verse on Brooky’s Birthday. In short it’s when the Israelites needed to cross the Jordan while their enemies plotted to attack them. Moses let them know God would cross cross before them with Joshua at the helm. His word to them was to:
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
That last line is what jumped out at me. “he will never leave you nor forsake you.” There are times when it can feel like we’re in this all alone. When there’s no one experiencing what we are, and that God is just unfair and unjust.
So it’s been 3 months since Brooklyn passed away. Her 2nd birthday would’ve been today, and well it is kind of disheartening to think she got this close. She fought long and hard against the CHD monster, and although we weren’t able to claim her healing here, people keep reminding us, she is healed now with Jesus. I don’t mean to be rude or unappreciative of all of the love and prayer support we receive, but that is often one of the last things we want to hear in the midst of all of the pain and anguish we feel. I know intentions are good and I don’t disagree with the sentiment, but honestly at times it just exacerbates the pain. It leads me to the question,
"Where is God in this?”
How can a loving God allow a precious princess to be born in so much pain?
How can a loving God allow that pain to continue throughout 21 long arduous months?
How can a loving God then take that princess away when so many thousands of people were anxiously awaiting her healing? When so many were praying and believing a surgery, a procedure or even a miraculous touch was going to turn all of this around.
How can a loving God let so many people down?
I know I sound borderline blasphemous here, but I also know God is my Heavenly Father, he has big pants and can take a few questions from his precious daughter. He is not easily offended and he knew me before I knew me, so he anticipated my asking these questions. He also knows I have a way of pushing the envelope and he loves me warts and all. With that said I’ll give you the answer in the many ways we see God in the midst of the pain.
-He’s in the little bird who knocked on our window the day of Brooky’s funeral. Although he got the attention of everyone in the house, he would only actually touch the window when Taya was standing there.
-He’s in the stories we hear about how Brooky restored hope, how her story made people return to God and how she was even responsible for at least one woman being alive.
The short version: a woman tried to give blood at Brooky's blood drive. After doing her vitals they turned her away due to extreme high blood pressure. She was adamant that she doesn’t and has never had high blood pressure. They immediately sent her to the hospital via ambulance only to find she had an aneurism. Had she not gone to the blood drive she would’ve never known, and her doctor assured her she would’ve dropped dead within the next few days.
I should also add she drove her car full speed up to my husband (in order to tell him this story) causing him to prepare to defend himself. Praise God he didn’t hurt her because that would’ve been an epic fail, and a wonderful story gone awry.
-He’s in the random cards we receive every now and then saying we’re still praying for your family.
-He’s in the many families who have experienced the same thing who reach out to talk and support us through this painful process.
-He's in the sayings people share that stick with us like "It gets easier to wake up but it never goes away." I know that doesn't sound very encouraging but it lets us know we're not crazy when the tears won't stop flowing.
-He’s in the support network that still does random acts of kindness on Brooky’s behalf with the goal of making the world a better place, like she did.
-He’s in the overly excited smile or laugh from Lil Ms. Trinity when she sees pictures of her big sister.
-He’s in the overwhelming need for Sierra (another heart warrior) to touch Brooky's face (on our t-shirts) because although she couldn’t verbalize it, she recognized her CHD sister.
-Finally He’s in the beautiful crack of the sky during her little heavenly birthday celebration (the image below) where he reminded us
“He will never leave us nor forsake us.” And that #BeautifulBrooklyn is safe in his arms.
I have to admit I will probably vacillate back and forth between being at peace with this, being angry and disheartened, and being sad beyond belief. But in all of this I know God is there, He sees and He knows. She had completed her work here and she is free from pain.
Thank you for being there and loving us through this, but I now understand grief is a process that never reaches completion.
Rest well beautiful princess!